I talk a lot about confidence, but what is it, really?
Defining confidence may sound like a pointless, beard-stroking exercise, but I think that by clarifying it, confidence can be much easier to achieve.
You could define your confidence as:
- ‘I feel good about myself’. This is a bit vague for me.
- ‘I trust myself’. Aha, now we’re getting somewhere.
I used to think that ‘I trust myself’ was a good definition, but now it feels a bit fluffy. ‘I trust myself’ or ‘I have faith in myself’ sounds like it’s missing a second part; an extra condition such as ‘…to do my best’ or ‘…to do a good job’. So while it’s good, it feels like there’s an expectation attached, and surely, if you don’t meet it, then you’re no longer confident, right? Curses.
OK then, so what’s my brilliant definition?
I’m glad you asked. I think my confidence is best defined as:
‘I have permission to be myself’.
Here’s why:
‘Permission’ is to grant yourself freedom. In this case, to make mistakes, to express your true feelings, to just dump the facade and say what you want to say. I’ve chased approval from other people (even if I don’t want to admit it), but by owning the right to approve myself, I remove this dependence on others.
‘Being yourself’ is authenticity, and that’s the special sauce! It’s what interviewers, keynote audiences and dinner dates yearn to see. You don’t have to be loud/sweary/provocative, just a little less filtered; honest, but with humility and a sense of humour. Coming across this way can be extremely appealing, especially in a sea of other candidates, speakers or prospective partners who seem to be holding back or desperate to please.
Now the really important bit: the application. Use this definition as a mantra. If you’re using the Dave Goggins accountability mirror technique (which I use), tell yourself that ‘You have permission to be yourself’. Do what works best for you though, obvs.
So there you have it; a mantra for confidence in any situation.
Good luck out there.